If you've ever spoken with people leaders about domestic and family violence (DFV) in the workplace, you'll often hear the same concern:
"What if I say the wrong thing?"
It's an understandable fear.
Managers care about their people. They want to help. But when concerns about domestic and family violence arise, many feel completely out of their depth. They worry about making assumptions, offending someone, invading privacy, or making an already difficult situation worse.
As a result, some managers avoid the conversation altogether.
Not because they don't care.
Because they care deeply and don't feel equipped.
A common workplace reality
This confidence gap matters because domestic and family violence is far more prevalent than many people realise, and it does not stay outside the office door.
Research on domestic and family violence and the workplace found that around 30% of respondents to a national survey reported experiencing domestic and family violence, with many indicating it impacted their attendance, wellbeing and work performance.
Separate national data shows that roughly one in four women in Australia has experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner since the age of fifteen, and that on average a woman is killed by a current or former partner around every eleven days. Behind every one of those statistics is someone who is also, most likely, going to work.
Leaders understand DFV exists. Many genuinely want to help. But when it presents in their own team, uncertainty often takes over.
The challenge isn't lack of compassion
In my experience, most leaders genuinely want to support their team members.
The problem is rarely willingness.
The problem is confidence.
Managers are often promoted because they are technically capable, commercially successful, or strong people leaders. Yet very few have ever been taught how to respond to signs that an employee may be experiencing domestic and family violence. Leadership development programs cover budgets, performance conversations and strategic planning at length. They rarely cover this.
They may notice changes such as:
Increased absences
Difficulty concentrating
Changes in behaviour or confidence
Frequent personal calls or messages
Requests for flexible work arrangements
Signs of anxiety, stress or fatigue
The challenge is often knowing where concern ends and conversation begins.
Managers regularly tell us:
"What if I've got it wrong?"
"What if they don't want to talk about it?"
"What if I make things worse?"
"What if I open something I can't fix?"
These concerns are understandable.
But the goal isn't to have the perfect conversation.
The goal is to create an opportunity for connection.
Sometimes a simple check-in such as:
"I've noticed you don't seem yourself lately and I wanted to see how you're going."
can be far more powerful than trying to find the perfect words. It doesn't name a cause or demand a disclosure. It simply lets someone know they have been seen, and that the door is open when they are ready to walk through it.
The myth that holds leaders back
One of the biggest misconceptions is that managers need to become experts.
They don't.
A manager's role is not to investigate.
It's not to diagnose.
It's not to provide counselling.
And it's certainly not to solve the situation.
Trying to do any of those things usually makes matters worse, not better, and can leave a manager carrying a weight that was never theirs to carry alone.
Their role is much simpler and far more achievable:
Recognise. Respond. Refer.
Recognise that something might not be okay.
Respond with empathy, curiosity and care.
Refer the employee to the appropriate supports available both inside and outside the organisation.
When leaders understand this, the pressure often lifts immediately. Three words replace an overwhelming and undefined responsibility with a clear, repeatable process that any manager can learn.
Why workplaces matter
For many people experiencing domestic and family violence, work can be one of the few places that provides:
Safety
Routine
Connection
Financial independence
Access to support
This means managers may become one of the first people to notice that something has changed, not because employees want to disclose their experiences, but because the impacts of domestic and family violence often affect a person's ability to engage at work.
A supportive response from a manager can help someone access support earlier, remain connected to employment, and feel less isolated during an incredibly difficult time. For someone weighing up whether it is safe to leave a relationship, a stable job and a manager who has quietly shown they can be trusted are sometimes the difference between staying and finding a way out.
Three things every manager can do today:
1. Know your referral pathways
Understand what support is available through your workplace, including employee assistance programs, DFV leave provisions, HR support, and specialist external services. Know the names and the process before you need them, not while you are sitting across from someone who has just trusted you with something difficult.
2. Focus on behaviour, not assumptions
Talk about what you've observed rather than what you think might be happening.
For example:
"I've noticed you've seemed under a lot of pressure lately."
Rather than:
"Are you experiencing domestic violence?"
This approach keeps the conversation safe, respectful and supportive, and leaves the employee in control of what they choose to share, and when.
3. Create psychological safety before it's needed
When leaders consistently demonstrate empathy, respect confidentiality and check in with their people, employees are more likely to seek support when challenges arise.
Trust is built long before disclosure occurs; in the ordinary, unremarkable check-ins that happen on the days when nothing seems to be wrong.
Moving from awareness to capability
Many organisations have already invested in DFV policies, leave provisions and wellbeing initiatives.
These are important foundations.
But policies alone do not equip managers for real conversations.
Capability is built through practical training, clear referral pathways and organisational support.
When leaders are given simple language, realistic scenarios and clear guidance, they become far more confident in responding appropriately, and employees are more likely to seek help when they need it.
A better question
The question isn't whether managers will encounter domestic and family violence in the workplace.
The reality is many already have.
The better question is whether we've given them the confidence and capability to respond safely when they do.
Creating safer workplaces doesn't require every manager to become an expert.
It requires organisations to equip leaders with the tools to recognise, respond and refer.
And sometimes, that confidence can make all the difference.
This is the first article in a three-part series on building safer, more capable workplaces. The second article explains why recognising, responding and referring, while essential, is only half the picture, and why organisations also need to invest in prevention. The third article looks at organisational culture and leadership, and why the values a workplace lives by make both possible.
Find out more
Challenge DV offers programs and services that ensure your organisation is not just compliant, but truly equipped to recognise, respond and refer when DFV shows up at work.
Get a quick training quote or contact me, Lizzy Edwards, Corporate Solutions Manager, to find out how we can work together: lizzy@challengedv.org
